Sunshine

For once and all, he looked at the draft and put it across the table. Figure in it was more than he has ever earned, and probably even what he would ever spend. But there wasn't even a thought about it. Soon he was going to own what owned him already. The pacific location, hilltop view from the balcony, and the sparkling city at night from its terrace, he was simply in love with all that it had to offer. Even an unspoken admiration for how the cabinets were fixed in kitchen, the symmetry or whatever that reflects through all the window panes, and he could never explain to himself what was in its walls and pillars that he felt so relaxed to touch everytime.

When he saw it first time, it was still getting built up. He had no intentions for it that time. A bird of passage he was, with savings good enough to last for long, and desires curtailed enough to not let him fall in the vicious circle of life. But everthing changed once he stood at that place and looked beyond the horizon. He felt contented for a life time. That moment he knew what he wants, and today he was going to get it.

His thoughts were perturbed by the laughter coming across the table, after those familiar eyes gazed and verified the figure.

'aji jaldi kya hai, ek baar final muyaana to kar lijiyen...len den to hota rahenga'
(There is no hurry, let's give a final inspection to the place. The transaction can happen later).

What was there to inspect. He even knew the count of tiles. Last he saw it was a week back, only the final touch was missing. He didn't say a thing and went with him. The place was lit up bright with diwali lights. And it was then he saw it finished for the first time. The green color all over in the front with stripes of white, yellow and grey at places. The green color. He stared at it for a while, turned back, and nobody heard of him after that for a long time.

Someone spotted him passing by that house today. He was wearing a greenish shirt. The house has a silver name plate shimmering in sunshine against all blue in the front.

Strategies

It's sunday evening. Rishi is still in his lazing mood, besides India Scotland match is due at 8.00pm. Preeti has already mentioned twice about this walking plaza at MG road. First time, it was casual, which Rishi knows he could afford to ignore with no risk. But at lunch Preeti prepares his favourite dish with crispy rotis (bread), and then mentions about her plan to go with Mrs. raman to that walking plaza , but then her husband is taking her out for a movie in the evening. From her sad and anticipating looks, Rishi knows now that he has little choice but to go. As his last best shot, he complains of headache and little temperature. But a refreshing ginger tea served with a smile and the concern that he should rest and she won't go if he's so unwell; and he knows he himself wants to go. Only thing he hopes that India won't bat first and that they will be back before 9.30.
Per the initial intention, it is supposed to be just the window shopping. But then Preeti stops at a jewellery showroom and stares at a necklace for more than a glance. The half curved smile on her face when she looks at him and holds him softly from his elbow with her both hands, and he knows they are going to enter the shop. Ofcourse she just wants to check out that, with no intention to buy. But since she is trying, it's fair enough to ask the price. She gives a sigh on hearing the price, then looks into his eyes, presses his wrist and tells him softly she didn't like it so much, besides she already has one she got as a marriage gift. Quitely they walk out of the shop.
Already feeling guilty, Rishi insists they should go out for dinner to her favourite restaurant. He has now forgotton about the match. But she says no, and that she'll prepare it at home only. India is already on bat, with 4 wickets down though situation is not so bad. But he decides it's already a lost cause and he should better off to sleep. In bedroom, he finds Preeti humming and combing her hairs. She seems to be in a good mood. At night, before sleeping he is thinking may be ....the money he was to receive at end of month for a freelance contract he is working on, and he can give her a surprise. The very thought makes him happy. Next morning he will barely remember whether it was a dream or just his wishful thinking....of how much happy she was, and the warm hug he got, when he asked her to close her eyes and handed her the surprise.

Just a smile

It's a bright morning. You are over phone, when you notice him third time around your cubicle. As usual, he appears to be in a hurry, with face well marked with work thoughts. And you know he never fails to look towards your side on account of one or the other pretext. He has never looked ever straight in your eyes, or stared more than a glance in a go. A glimpse of yours, and you could see a smile in his eyes, and the joy in his fastened pace..

The other day he came to the travel desk person sitting next to your cubicle to ask if he can get flight tickets to his hometown. Perhaps after spending over 20 years, he still doesn't know that his place is only connected via road, or perhaps he doesn't know that you know it. Now you don't suspect why his tea breaks so often and so perfectly coincide with yours, and why is he over phone most of the time in listening mode giving (you) those blank looks. He's even friendly with the girl who seems to do nothing except cribbing and back biting. May be because she sits diagonally opposite to you. Poor guy, he doesn't have the slightest clue how much you hate her. Now-a-days you have even started noticing his ironed shirt tucked smartly to hide the extra pounds around his waist., the small comb revealing its shape from the back pocket of his trousers.

He's gone past your cubicle, and you know that he'll be back soon with all his confused looks and will try sincerely to steal a glance. If he finds you staring at him, he'll just look down, try to look more busy and hasten his pace. And you will have a secret pleasure in knowing and seeing all this, and perahaps will talk about it with your best friend whom you are going to meet at crossword in the evening.

I am not saying you are doing anything wrong. But please, give him a smile when accidently (as it always appears) your eyes met his...next time. He might (infact for sure) immediately look away as if nothing happened. But I know when you will be gone, it would crack in a smile brighter than the morning sunlight, and it would make his day. So please...

Justifications

I stop at red signal and try to smell the remnant of today's pouring. A hand jolts my shirt. In split of second I ensure the weight of bulge in my side pocket, and give a quick glance at the lady standing next to me with a kid wrapped around her waist. The spreading hand and plight in her eyes saying it all what she needs. I want to look into her eyes to figure out the sense of urgency in her plea. But that will raise her hopes. So I pretend not to look towards her and wait for the glow in green.

Musings start taking over mind. If out of pity, I handover some money, I am setting her up to live this easy resort for life, so I am fully justified in showing indifference. The other day at some other signal, a little boy came and cleaned my bike with his shirt without my consent and then the familiar hand stretched out, and I gave him a blank look till the traffic cop waved us for a clear way. I remember the sad look in that boy's eyes, so I had to spend next 5 minutes justifying my stand with similar thoughts. And next morning while eating my breakfast poha, I saw two boys lashing their bare chest and back with whip (guess a traditional street entertainer), and when one of them approaches towards me, I handover a ten rupee note and feel freed from the guilt trip haunting me in eyes of that cleaning boy. Atleast they are taking some efforts (wht the heck if it's to beat themselves for others' amusement) to deserve the money.

There was this jolt again, and I came back from my thoughts. Signal hasn't cleared yet. The murmur is becoming distinct and now taking the tone of cursing. Am I so inhuman that I can't spare 1-2 rupees for the child's milk", is what all I could hear in her words. I am not going to give in to these evokes. I change the gears and move the bike a little forward to end this struggle. I see her with a resigned look and now may be in hunt for another prospect. Her last words still echoing in my mind. I am not inhuman. You should see how generous I am with the elderly beggars. The honks from behind remind me of the green light and I move on all set to spend next 5 minutes justifying my stand.

Last Meet

It is your 3rd call. The other two marked missed in my mobile. I pick it up while rehearsing an apology which won't sound so guilty and at the same time not indifferent too. I reply to all the standard questions with the standard answers. You too seem eager to get over the conversation etiquettes quickly. You ask me if I have seen --- movie. I am glad I have already seen it. And I feel more glad that I have to meet a friend that evening, and so I cann't join you for dinner too. Your voice sounds distraught and silence grips over our conversation. For a while, I think you have hang up on me. The guilt trip daunts upon me, and I want to make it up for you. I ask if we could meet for lunch the next day. The smile returns back in your voice and you readily agree.

I spend much of next morning thinking what you are going to tell me over lunch and what am I going to say. Restless so I am, I reach 10 minutes before and worse you come 6 minutes late. You give a sorry look without bothering for my reaction and I try to ignore it thinking it's you who really need and concerned about this meet . I ask you what do you want to eat and you reply 'whatever' as if that's the last thing you have come here for. 3 minutes have past since we ordered and not spoken yet. I am well rehearsed for my part and waiting eagerly for you to tell me the inevitable. You look around stealing a glance of mine as if to judge my mood. I know you are just about to confide in me. Soon you will be done with your talks, and wipe your tears as if some louse has fallen in your eyes. And by that time, I'll be all burdened with all your secrets, which I'll be never able to get rid of. And then I'll be part of your close circle where you have instilled your faith, always feeling obliged to think for your well being. Worse, next time you will expect me to tell you my story of life with all my longings, embarassing moments and what all troubling my heart (even if none at that moment), and I'll be expected to believe in your concerns for them.

The waiter interrupts my thoughts, and I find you staring at me as if ready to start as soon as I meet your eyes. What the heck. It has to be said and done once for all. I gather a smiling look and ask what's troubling you. You smile back with interest and it widens and widens. And then you tell me the inevitable. You're going for higher studies to fulfill your dreams, the much awaited ones, so much so that nothing else matters for you before 'em. And you simply want to meet and say 'goodbye' to all your friends before leaving, and I am one of them. You look so happy. I feel so helpless. Next 20 minutes you are so excited and engrossed giving me details of the future you are going to live in, and I am busy trying to read the sign 'you will miss me' in your eyes. I wonder if I am the one who is going to give you the missed calls from now onward.

Cooldesire

That was his last sip. He wanted it to last forever.

The bill was already looking stale & making faces onto him. He obliged it with a hundred rupee note and wished there were a jumboo version of the coffee in the menu, like the subway next door offers. He had another glance at the world moving across the glass, the world which was no more existing for him in those moments.

The eyes met again and the thing was understood...time to leave.

Words had never come in their way. They didn't need words to know they were in love and they didn't need 'em to tell that it will remain intact even though they decided they won't.
Now after 4 years (and 3 months 12 days to be precise) his fate have brought him back to the city lanes, and he had a whim to feel what at the moment was filled in her eyes.

The only time he had in his world was now at the mercy of the bus she had to board on. At that time, he loved the traffic, the roads, the congestion and the brawls which people pick at busy roads and forgot to give others a side.

Her mind was empty. She knew her eyes would burst if she choose to utter those words. The words which were already understood, but she wanted to say 'nyway. She knew she had to hold and pretend till she reach home and find the comfort of her pillow. She looked around, and found a bunch of bestsellers lying in dust but well arranged on the pavement. Her eyes sparkled and glued on the one.

"This is my favourite. You cann't imagine how much it reflects of me & supported me when you were not.... " reaching that point, her words got frozen into a silence.

In that silence, all she could see was his smile while he paid for the book.....then reaching for his pen, scribbled something on it and let it slid in her purse. The smile continued to drip from his mouth and his eyes, while she boarded on the bus and even when her hands betrayed her to say goodbye.

The bus geared up to take her away back to the place she had choosen to live in, 'coz it didn't matter anyway. When she grabbed a seat, she found many eyes staring at her crumbled face with inquisitive & pity looks. She reached for the book in her purse in order to look busy in her world.

That was the first time when she saw the preface....with a 'To & her nick name' in print ......and somewhere down a spattering of ink across 'With love - & his signature'.

The signature resembling with the one in print lying next to author's name.

The journey

The train blowed its final horn and started leaving the tracks submerged in the clouds of the thick smoke, marching the pistons on its own beats of rock. His hands motioned to follow his wife & son's, his eyes never loosing the sight of the luggage yet to secure.

At last he was onboard for the journey of his life time, to a place somewhere far off across mountains he has never seen, except in the dreams that he has been seeing all his life through babuji's eyes. And whenever he tried to recall, when and how it all started... all he could feel was the warmth of babuji's hands playing with his little fingers and the cosy lap sitting in which he has heard for the first time about his plans for him to be there someday.

'babuji, will there be TV to watch Humlog'...his curiousity applying the innocence has found a yes in the smile.

'and can Ayu come with me there'...his eyes were now looking for the familiar smile.

Suddenly with the whistle, the train of thoughts brought him back to the last night in his porch.

'Papa, but why are you going there'...little Ajay had asked him when he finished taking account of everything with him and after him. He couldn't recall if babuji gave him any answer for this. All he knew that he wanted him to go. And why 'why' had not been important to him to know, he couldn't recall.

'Ajju, I am going there to bring you the mountain train, so that when you go there you can go comfortably', while lifting him with his both hands, he could also feel the weight of a familiar smile on his face.

'But papa, I don't want to go there, I can play my video games at home', little mind protested indifferent of the smile, and after a little struggle got success in slipping out of the craving hands.
Not sounding disappointed he smiled back, 'No beta, you must go there once, like I am going. Its a place to be. That's what you have to prepare yourself for in life. And don't worry I am going to help you with this, and more than your grandpa helped me with.'

In the silence that followed, the words said it all. It was between him and babuji. His life had been instrumental to be the cause for babuji's victory, and this had earned him reason and the rights to expect the same in return from his son. Besides he's gonna help Ajju in that, and afterall its for him only. What am I to gain?

Once again he's been thinking the same, his thoughts matching the rhythm of the train. He knew its the cable, movies and comp. to blame for their share in spoiling the kids. For all his life, he could remember only one time babuji taking all of 'em to a circus, that too when some relative insisted. Yes, he had also been once to theatre with a neighbour. But then he had only one son. How could he deny him of the pleasures, he slogged so hard to afford, knowing well that in return he has been letting go his time past beyond to avail 'em for himself.

...to be contd.

Unspoken Wait

Taken from a past excerpt of the memory lane...

It was sunday. No work. No other motive to sit in office too. We were two alien in the city. Well he exactly not, because he studied at that place. And from his talks it appeared that he was nostalagic about the time that he spent there. There must be a story behind it. But we're not good enough buddies to have me the right to ask, and perhaps he too was reluctant to share on his own for the same reason. Our common objective was to kill time, and the preferred way was to sit in a dark room for 3 hours not looking, not talking, not listening to each other and still have a feeling that we achieved it together. I wonder why people always look for a company to go for a movie they really want to see, and more why in order to 'njoy someone's company they opt to go for a movie. They anyway don't seem to enjoy both of 'em together (..barring exceptional cases...). Isn't it like one of those mutually exclusive co-existing relationship....am I sounding like talking about marriages.

We didn't get the tickets. I asked him if we have other options. He seemed interested in taking me to his college. His enthusiasm met with my agreement. May be he wanted to take a walk down his memory lanes. He said he liked to be there. I wondered if he goes there often. He seems to have read my mind, or may be it doesn't matter. For once he started he kept on going,
'Coming here after a long time. This was our department. This is our canteen. We used to bunk classes and sit here. and this is the lake..we used to come here almost every evening and spent time together'

So the conversation was getting more and more on to the 'We'. I knew he's deep down in the memory lane, and would like to talk about it.

'So what happend', my pebble had started creating ripples in the rather seemingly peaceful lake.
'What, what....happened', like a red-handed caught he felt a little embarassed.
'Where is she now', my senses told me to continue, not worrying about his hesitation or my good feel factor.
'She is here in this town only, working in another company', he was opening up.
'Are you in touch. Do you meet often', I was waiting for a breakup tale to be unfolded.
'Yes, we are very good friends. Infact I asked her for the movie before coming with you. But she had some work and couldn't come', he sounded enthusiastic and feeling proud of their still going friendship.
'So do you like her?', now I was confused, wandering...eager to clear up.
'Yes, I do', he simply replied.
'And what about her', was the obvious question coming from me.
'I guess yes, I do feel so, but I am not so sure', he replied with a sounding confusion.
'Have you ever asked her' - me
'No, but..actually not' - he
'Do you feel shy to ask' - me
'No...I am very comfortable with her, and we can talk over any subject', he was again proudish about it.
'So, you are afraid of loosing your friendship, if you ask and she says no", I was feeling victorious in having reached a conclusion.
'No, it's not like that. I know that if I ask, she'll say 'Yes'. That's not the problem', his eyes were having that familiar solitude when he said that.

I was confused now, all my logical options seemed to be over with that reply. I was hesistant to ask anything further for the fear that I won't understand, and he won't feel good about having not been understood. We kept walking in silence. Ripples seems to have settled down in lake too.

'You know, i love her so much...if anytime she comes to me and asks me to marry her..that would be the happiest moment of my life. May be I am silently waiting for that moment to happen. I know if she comes to know about my feelings, she would say yes. But I need to know that she feels the same way for me, irrespective of my feelings towards her...I don't know why, but I do need to know that...", while saying this his eyes were so full that he would have leant on my shoulder only if guys were allowed to cry.

Silence resumed again in our walk and I imagine far off two girls sitting somewhere on stairs having the same talks. One of them would be her, only that she would be free to snob while uttering out those words.