Granny!!

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"

She  responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you"
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. Do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a very Quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt".

Number game

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
 
Here is a guide to the point system:
 
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
In the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)
 
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy (-2)
Named Tina (-4)    
Tina is a dancer (-6)  
Tina has silicon implants (-80)  
 
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colours of your favourite team (-10)
 
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
 
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of
it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000) 
 
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned __ _ex-pression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV(+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
 
Now what chance do you have???    

Loving couple

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once'."
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
"I started an angry protest over her treatment to the horse, while I was shouting; she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.
..............and we lived happily ever after." 

Doctor says

Just One Glass of Alcohol a Day!!!

Celebration

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

 

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 

Needs

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big Unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel lik! e it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

mental asylum

During a visit to the mental asylum, avisitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or nota patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer ateaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use thebucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do youwant a bed near the window?"
What were you thinking?:-D

Invitation

A woman is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.

She says: ''You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you''

The boyfriend says: 'Baby, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?'

"Oh my God !!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?''

Cheater

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing.
"Officer," he asks, have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"
"No I haven't. What's the problem?"
"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"
"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asks.
"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."

Bad luck

With a pile of 300 résumés on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on the bottom 50 and toss the rest.

"Throw away 250 résumés?"
I asked, shocked. "What if the best candidates are in there?"
"You have a point," he said.
"But then again, I don't need people with bad luck here."

- Becky Horowitz (Reader's digest)

Baked beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months after my marriage, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologising for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Never mind..

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because  he had a very important meeting and could not  find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, please take  pity on me. If you find me a parking space I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila!"
Miraculously, a parking space appeared....
Pedro looked up again & said, "Never mind Lord, I found  one!"

True Friendship

Friends of Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight. So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and none of them confirm that she was with them.
Friends of Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them!!

 

Patience

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for its house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord?"

 

A little teeny voice came out of the box... "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

 

Young dad

The young father was pushing the crying baby down the street with what appeared to be absolute calm and self-assurance. People on the street could hear what he was saying as he passed. "Take it easy, bittu," he said. "Don't let it get you down, bittu, you will soon be safe back home.
Things will be all right, bittu, if you just keep calm."
One motherly type woman waiting for a bus, heard and saw the young father and said to him, "I think you are wonderful the way you are taking care of the baby." Then she leaned over to the baby and said, "Now, don't cry, bittu, everything is going to be all right."
"LADY," said the father, "YOU HAVE GOT IT ALL WRONG. HIS NAME IS TOMMY -- I AM BITTU."

Blind Pilots

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance
opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both
are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other
is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin
glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little
practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the
windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge
of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it
will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that
moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know,
Joe, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all
gonna die."

Effective Communication

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest,may I smoke while I pray?"
But the Priest says,
"No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Intelligence

A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order   to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the   answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in   a year?"
The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

 

Confidence

Hypothetical situation where 20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology: It is an uncrewed aircraft.
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.
Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."

 

This is called Confidence!

 

Feel Good Factor

The wife stands in front of a mirror."you know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror & I see an old woman, ace wrinkled, fat legs & flabby arms" She turns to her husb & says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He says in a soft voice,"your eye sight is perfect"

Memory Clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association. It was great."
"Wow! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a  smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that  flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of  that memory clinic?"

 

 

Heroic Woman

Dear Diary,

 

MONDAY AFTERNOON: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be. I felt singularly honored today as the Captain asked me to dine at his table tonight.

 

TUESDAY AFTERNOON: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. He explained everything he was doing and told me there are 1262 passengers on board and he is responsible for everyone's comfort, safety and having a good time. He is so  charming and invited me to dine at his table, again, tonight.

 

WEDNESDAY EVENING: The Captain saw me at the pool this afternoon and invited me, this time, to have dinner in his cabin. The Captain's cabin is very cozy and the dinner was served with the best wines. He made several glorious amorous proposals to me but I  stood very firm on my moral convictions.

 

THURSDAY EVENING: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship, if I did not give into his amorous proposals.

 

FRIDAY MORNING:I saved 1,262 lives last night......THRICE.  

Tit 4 Tat

Husband: Sweety, instead of my salary I will give you 5000 kisses. OK!

Wife: Fine dear. Then I will give 250 kisses to milkman, 500 to servant, and 200 to dhobi.............

Risky Guess

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!
Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but, MAYBE... during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college... perhaps I DID father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No!" the woman said, with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second-grade teacher."

Smart Engineers

A boy goes to shop and buys a big book.

He takes the book to a medical student and asks him how much time he will take to finish the book.

The Medical guy says 6 month's minimum   

Then he goes to a law student and asks the same question, he says minimum 3 months.

Then he goes to an engineer and asks the same question how much time will you take to finish the book???

The engineer says. "When is the exam?"